So, little Elizabeth, it's your forth birthday? What wonderful gifts have been bestowed upon you?
Gosh, a genuine CAT™!? You lucky little whore! Why, a whole world of opportunity is open to you now! Just consult our handy leaflet!
Unpacking your CAT™
Release the seal, pull back the plastic and ensure your CAT™ is in working condition. In the case of missing limbs or organs, please contact the CAT™ helpline for a replacement package. Perform artificial respiration on your CAT™ and watch the magic as your new Feline Friend jumps to life! Warrenty does not cover collapsing ribcage during respiration.
Your first CAT™ moments
In the early stages, your CAT™ may attempt to escape under beds or kitchen units. Lure it out with heavily spiced food, or merely coo it out with promises of treasure. If your CAT™ hides until it starves to death, replacements are available, be sure to clean out CAT™ corpses before introducing new CAT™ models into your household! Feeding is important, and clean lemonade must always be available, please ensure you feed your CAT™ once every five seconds during the first day. If your CAT™ resists, there are many alternative entrances through which to feed your Feline Friend. Please consult the biology funfactsheet.
Vaccinations for your CAT™
Your CAT™ will need regular vacations, the beach is particularly good for them. Vacations should be administered when they are nine to 12 weeks old, in consultation with your vet. This will allow your CAT™ to settle into your home before you rip them away and strand them in a hostile paradise. Don't forget the bucket and spade.
The Great Outdoors and your CAT™
Keep your CAT™ inside for at least three weeks before booting your CAT™ out on a night to silence the sound of its insessant whining. If for some reason you lose your CAT™, please ensure you check under your tires and beneath quizzically placed plant pots before contacting the replacement hotline. Remember, there are many CAT™ophiles ("homosexuals") who may steal your CAT™ if you let it out during the day. CAT™ muzzles are available to silence the bastard during the day, or a piece of stickyback plastic can provide temporary relief.
Introducing a second CAT™
A second CAT™ can entertain both you, your family and your CAT™. Duels to the death are advised and several weapons are available from our online store, but there are many other games to play. Hide and seek, force them to have sex, dress them up in stupid costumes, Battle Royale and 'Set CAT™ alight while CAT™ watches" are just some suggestions-- why not make up your own!
Sacrificing your CAT™ to the great Bird god.
Eventually all CAT™ models lose their Kitten and become marginally less cute, it is their time to die. If you have followed our advice, your CAT™ is a virgin and can be sacrificed as such, making perfect for wedding and funerals. Shattering your CAT™ against the side of a ship is also growing in popularity as a way of Christening. Remember, all form of sacrifice is sacred in the eyes of Birdtron destroyer of universes. Birdtron stride with you.
My my, why are you crying, Little Elizabeth? Don't make me take my belt off.
posted by Oppolo&Jaq @ 7:55 PM
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